When should Couples reach out for help?

Did you know that Gottman's research says that the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for marital problems? He also found that half of marriages that end do so in the first 7 years. So, when should you reach out for help?

In my practice it seems that there are two types of couples who come in for therapy.

• The first couple comes in with minor communication issues and fairly easy, fixable problems. Their fondness and admiration towards one another is high and they have a strong friendship base. In most cases, the woman has requested that they seek help for some fights they've had or because they are having trouble seeing eye to eye on decision making or child rearing. The husband is a willing participant and willing to work on these issues.

• The second couple that comes in is the couple where one partner (typically the wife) has requested, begged, and pleated to go to therapy for years. They have numerous conflicts that have been unresolved and lots of pain and resentments. Their fondness and admiration towards one another is almost gone completely. They seem miserable and stuck. They're hurting and they've wounded one another over and over again. 

So, when should you seek help? Early.

Let's use the car analogy. You buy a brand new ( or new to you) car. You take it to the car wash, you service it every three months. You rotate its tires, check the air pressure, and vacuum it out frequently. What do you do when the check engine light comes on? You take it to the shop and get it checked out. You fix it! Your relationship deserves the same kind of attention. If one of you is asking for help or maintenance, listen. Don't ignore that request. 

It feels so sad in the first few sessions when one person recalls asking their partner over and over again for marriage help and their partner either minimizes the need or is afraid to take the leap into counseling for help. In my practice, these couples often don't make it and It's too late. So, listen to one another's request for help. It's never too early for a look under the hood.